For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence | 
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Product Description
For Your Own Good, the contemporary classic exploring the serious if not gravely dangerous consequences parental cruelty can bring to bear on children everywhere, is one of the central works by Alice Miller, the celebrated Swiss psychoanalyst.
With her typically lucid, strong, and poetic language, Miller investigates the personal stories and case histories of various self-destructive and/or violent individuals to expand on her theories about the long-term affects of abusive child-rearing. Her conclusions—on what sort of parenting can create a drug addict, or a murderer, or a Hitler—offer much insight, and make a good deal of sense, while also straying far from psychoanalytic dogma about human nature, which Miller vehemently rejects.
This important study paints a shocking picture of the violent world—indeed, of the ever-more-violent world—that each generation helps to create when traditional upbringing, with its hidden cruelty, is perpetuated. The book also presents readers with useful solutions in this regard—namely, to resensitize the victimized child who has been trapped within the adult, and to unlock the emotional life that has been frozen in repression.
Amazon.com Review
Miller explores the backgrounds of extreme cases of self-destructive and violent individuals to further her theories on longterm consequences of abusive childrearing. Her conclusions about what creates a drug addict, a murderer, even a Hitler, stray far from psychoanalytic dogma about human nature. Miller paints a jolting picture of the violent world each generation helps shape when traditional upbringing, with its hidden cruelty, is perpetuated. She also offers a way out by striving to resensitize the child in the adult, to unlock an emotional life frozen in repression.
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Customer Reviews:
• To Save The World: This Must Read 02 November, 2007
Alice Miller gives many examples of how "poisonous pedagogy" is the root of all violence in the world. Citing an extensive childhood histories of violent dictators such as Adolf Hitler to child murderers such as JĂĽrgen Bartsch, we are not only able to acknowledge and remember the horrors of our own childhood but can begin to see the terrible consequences of not respecting one's children and taking all of the expressions of their experiences seriously, the horrific consequences of corporal punishment, abandonment and neglect. When reading this book, think back carefully over your own childhood. You may want to do this with the help of a competent therapist who will allow you to express all your own feelings of indignation towards those who verbally or physically abused you, crushed your curiosity, humiliated, terrified, abandoned and/or neglected you even in the most subtle of ways. Only then can you avoid the unconscious repeating of this cycle on your own children.
- Reviewed by customer ID: A1F3ER1CHWHQML
• Permission To Know 10 April, 2006
I remember reading "Great Expectations" in school and feeling a shock of recognition when the narrator mentioned that he'd been "brought up by hand." I realized I had been brought up by hand too; by the palm of the hand, the back of the hand, or whatever implement was near enough for that hand to grab and swing. After the smack or swat came the welts and the tears and then the command to "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." As a rule, a natural response to that pain and humiliation was not allowed. Nor was any other expression of frustration or anger. Not only did I not have a right not be physically harmed, but I didn't have a right to my feelings about either.
Alice Miller's words have given me a context in which to understand my childhood experience, and to begin to look at it honestly as well as the effect it's had on my life. While I know have a better understanding of why I adopted various personal characteristics and made certain choices as an adult, her book has helped strengthen a resolve I formed as a child: that if I ever had children of my own, I would never use physical punishment on them; I would never deny them their feelings as I'd been denied mine.
Today I have a three year old son who at least doesn't know what it's like to be beaten by the parents who are supposed to love and protect him, or to have his feelings and his personhood denied. I decided a long time ago that if I could help it, my children would know that there's a better way. Alice Miller's words give me hope that there is such a way, and that I might find it if I continue to pay attention.
- Reviewed by customer ID: A2I9IO15NUIIHJ
• Life Changing Book 21 February, 2007
I wish that everyone in America, no, in the world, could or would read this book. I imagine what a different world would be born out of the consciousness and the compassion that this book brings to light. It has helped me to become aware of how little I have ever been allowed to experience or express my authentic responses in life. This knowledge, of course, then suddenly opens up the doors for the feelings I have banished all of my life. If you care about children, if you care about humanity, if you care about yourself, read this book. I believe that the ideas contained within it offer hope for the understanding and transformation of so much suffering that is present in our world. If you are able to take in its content, it will change your awareness. This book is well worth every dime and minute that I spent on it. One of the most important books I have read, and I read A LOT.
- Reviewed by customer ID: A3EBHNGYPGGZT8
• The Issue Is Control--by 'them' Of You 02 December, 2007
as the other reviewers have noted, this book will change your entire world view. it is, in my opinion, the most important book of the 20th century. her insights can be applied to any culture--the cultures in which people were not beaten into obedience and any militaristic culture you'd care to name. those brave enough to apply these insights to their own life and behavior will change their lives for the better.
miller has stated that she no longer considers herself a member of the psychoanalytical profession--a profession which rejected her ideas nearly completely. in the same way, the 19th medical world ostracised freud and his study of incest and it's effects in a 'decent' family. the truth will set you free, which is why those in authority--academic, social, political, financial--want it buried. there is also, of course, the fact that many people run away screaming from the thought of accepting the truth of their own childhoods.
even if you had an idyllic childhood and are so mentally and emotionally healthy you can't find anyone to talk to, read this book--it will illuminate other peoples' behavior, ambitions, and intents.
i have spent nearly 20 years encouraging people to read this book. i have yet to convince one person to do so. to see that there are people who have read it and understood her thesis is a great relief.
marcus aurelius wrote that nowhere but in his own mind is a man truly free. this book could give you back the freedom of your own mind.
- Reviewed by customer ID: A2MNHO301C6X0B
• Miller Psychoanalyzes Her Civilization, Finding It Guilty Of Child Abuse 19 January, 2008
Alice Miller digs into the psycho-history behind the mental-illness cases she deals with, turning her lights on the legacy of parent education from medieval through early-modern times. And to a large degree Miller lays the blame for traditions of mental illness on Christian theology. If children were presumed to be born evil, then the struggle to raise them could be something like exorcizing demons. How should a God-fearing parent proceed? The examples Miller cites from parenting literature are many and disturbing. In a 1740s "Essay on the Education and Instruction of Children", J. Sulzer, argues that the first necessary step was for children to learn that the world of adults had an established order, which could not be altered by wailing protests or selfish demands. Second, they must learn to obey the authors of that order:
"The second major matter to which one must dedicate oneself beginning with the second and third year is a strict obedience to parents and superiors and a trusting acceptance of all they do. These qualities are not only absolutely necessary for the success of a child's education, but they have a very strong influence on education in general. They are essential because they impart to the mind orderliness per se and a spirit of submission to the laws. A child who is not used to obeying his parents will also not willingly submit to the laws and rules of reason once he is on his own ..., since he is already accustomed to act in accordance with his own will. Obedience is so important that all education is actually nothing other than learning how to obey." (p.12)
Perhaps Miller aims indiscriminately at religion in general. She is focused on cases of abuse, like a policeman who sees crime all day. Her call for compassion is not the whole answer for parents, but it is crucial for a saner world.
--author of "Different Visions of Love"
- Reviewed by customer ID: A2AU7EFI21JONP
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